My entire childhood I was taught not to love myself. Derogatory comments, belittling and outright bold insults. I was even told as a teenager that I should never expect any man to want or love me. I think the saddest thing about this is that the people in my life that were doing and saying these things had no idea the real damage that was being done. Whether it was in fun or to get laughs, the damage was deep and I still struggle greatly with it to this day!
Yea. I’m a fatty. My sister calls it Fabulously Full-figured. That’s cute but I’m fat, nothing glamorous about it. I’ve always equated my being fat as the reason I didn’t deserve to be loved. Let me tell you that mental and verbal abuse did not work to motivate my losing weight! Food serves as a comfort, so when they abused me with words I went somewhere alone and I cried and ate. I cried a lot, a whole lot and I ate a lot!
I’ve always been told you have such a pretty or cute face if you’d just lose the weight. But I didn’t. How simply rebellious of me! There is so much more to me than my outer appearance. If they’d only taken the opportunity to get to know me. I was the Singing, Sketching, Poetry Writing girl trying to get them to see something valuable in me, look at something besides my physical appearance. Those that really know Brenda, know that I am devoted to the people in my life. I don’t like hurting others or to see them in pain. I’m that ride or die chick that thrives on being there and helping those close to me. I’m the grand protector, who usually puts myself last. I think that’s one of my greatest problems, always putting myself last because everyone else seems to think it’s okay to do the same. If I love and respect myself I can then require everyone else to do the same!
A few years ago I was talking to a friend and I don’t even remember the topic of our conversation. What I do remember is that she told me I was a pretty woman. I responded with I’m not a pretty woman, I’m a fat woman. She paused and looked at me and said, why can’t you be both? You’re a Pretty Fat Woman! It’s like a light came on in my mind, I’d always believed the fat overshadowed anything remotely positive or appealing. What do you know, I could be both!
Most times I cringe at my own reflection in the mirror. I have a difficult time seeing what other people say they see. I shy away and hide from cameras and having my picture taken. I’m not a photogenic person at all! Trust me, there aren’t a lot of photos of me in this world! If there are, I didn’t know they were being taken. So today I’m posting these 3 photos of myself. Nothing fancy at all but it’s a step forward in my deliverance. I need deliverance!
This is probably one of the most difficult articles I’ve posted thus far but how can I ever really love someone else if I can’t love myself? What if God has that man who will love me, Brenda, then at the very least he deserves to be loved in return!
What I do know is that God loves me and that’s all I really need! 1 John 4:16 KJV, And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwell in God, and God in him.
Life, God and the Bible